September has been one of the most profound spiritual months I’ve had in a long time.
And "ironically", it has also been one of the hardest when comparing the same timetime.
I have been in a horrible setback after pushing myself too hard and giving away nearly every ounce of energy I had; to advocacy, trying to manage a job from home, and overthinking the future.
This psych-med harm journey has taught me that perhaps the greatest assets we have in life are time and energy.
Money is important. It is a tool that can bring security. But the material things—the house, the luxury car, the things we are constantly told to chase; can become distractions outside of the self. We keep chasing what the system tells us will make us happy, while forgetting that our real assets are our time and our energy.
And here I was leaking both.
The difficult part was that I thought I was putting my energy toward things of value.
There is an urgency when it comes to psychiatric drug harm. People are suffering. Lives need to be saved. People need to speak out. Somewhere deep down, I think I felt that for this level of suffering I endured to be worthy of something, I needed to transmute it into advocacy and human-rights work.
And I still know that is part of my calling.
But through working with my dear friend and spiritual healer, Stephanie Kraft, she reminded me of something I desperately needed to hear:
It is more than enough just to endure this journey, let alone do the inner work that comes with it.
And she was right...
When I look at the gifts this journey brings, even in the most painful way; resilience, persistence, determination, consistency, integrity, truth, compassion for others’ suffering, empathy, grace, and so much more; that alone is a lifelong feat.
A lifelong feat that souls may keep coming back to Earth over and over just to learn one of those lessons, while we have been put on a journey that transforms us through nearly every virtue and lesson imaginable.
I’m sure many of you have heard what Dolores Cannon used to say: more souls line up for a disabled body than an able body because of the level of evolution that can come from that experience.
Now imagine the souls that signed up to lose their mind, body, and spirit.
That’s us!!
Stephanie’s reminder was that I don’t need to kill myself trying to prove that I’m worthy or trying to prove that something meaningful has to come out of everything I endured.
This journey is enough as it is.
And while I still know there is a calling for me through and after this experience, I can honor both truths.
I can know that this work is part of my calling while also knowing that I don't have to sacrifice myself to fulfill it.
What if I’ve been asking God the wrong questions?
Stephanie also has this beautiful gift of connecting to what one may call God, the Universe, Spirit, or simply something bigger than us.
In the middle of our conversation, she shared something she had recently learned through the teachings of Baba, and it hit me so hard because it was almost the exact realization I had already been having throughout this journey.
I’m paraphrasing the teaching here, but the message was essentially:
Don’t come to God asking for your worldly and material desires to be fulfilled. Don’t come asking for the things you want. God takes away. God removes.
- Removes suffering.
- Removes attachment.
- Removes our earthly desires.
- Removes our need for something to happen exactly the way we believe it needs to happen.
And Stephanie explained it in such a beautiful way:
- Instead of asking God to hurry something along, ask God to remove your desire to hurry.
- Instead of asking for the person, ask God to remove your attachment to needing that person.
- Instead of asking for the outcome, ask God to remove your need for that particular outcome.
- Instead of asking God to give, ask God to take away what is creating the suffering around not having.
That hit me so0o hard.
Because I realized I had felt this throughout my entire journey.
How many times have I asked:
God, heal me.
God, give me my body back.
God, give me my life back.
God, please let this end.
And even my body is material when you really think about it.
We are spirit.
Our bodies are part of this earthly experience.
And every time I asked God to heal me or give me something-- even my own body back; I kept feeling this strange energy in response:
You’re asking the wrong guy.
That is the best way I can explain it.
It wasn't a feeling of abandonment. It wasn't that God wasn't there.
It felt like I was simply asking the wrong question.
Eventually, I found myself not asking anymore.
And then, on the occasional day when I would ask again, I would get that same exact energy back.
You're asking the wrong guy.
After this awakening during my session with Stephanie, I realized:
Maybe I can still ask.
I've just been asking the wrong questions the entire time.
Maybe the prayer is: Take it away
So now I am learning to pray differently.
Whether you call it God, Universe, Spirit, the Divine, the spirit of the animals, or simply something greater than ourselves:
- Take away my suffering.
- Take away my attachment to the future outcome.
- Take away my urgency to heal faster.
- Take away my need to know when this will end.
- Take away my need to know the meaning of everything while I am still living through it.
- Take away my fear that I am running out of time.
- Take away my belief that I need to accomplish something extraordinary because of what I endured.
- Take away my need to control what happens next.
- Take away my attachment to the life I thought I was supposed to be living by now.
- Take away my fear that if I stop pushing, everything will fall apart.
- Take away the parts of me that believe rest means I am doing nothing.
And maybe most importantly:
Take away everything standing between me and peace.
That feels completely different from asking:
Give me what I want.
Because maybe the suffering isn't always just in what I don't have.
Sometimes the suffering is in my attachment to needing it.
The urgency itself was draining me
That realization connects so deeply to this setback because urgency has been one of my greatest energy leaks.
- Heal faster.
- Do more.
- Use the good days.
- Get outside.
- Work somehow even from bed.
- Speak.
- Write.
- Help people.
- Save people.
- Keep building.
- Make this suffering mean something.
And every time I received even a small amount of energy, I spent it.
Often I was even spending tomorrow's energy today...
Because I believed what I was spending it on was important.
And maybe it was.
But something being important doesn't automatically mean that it deserves my energy right now.
That is one of the biggest lessons this setback is teaching me.
I don't have to spend every ounce of energy just because I finally have some.
I can simply pocket it.
I can protect it.
I can let energy accumulate instead of immediately giving it away.
And I can trust that what is meant for me; my work, my purpose, my advocacy, my relationships, my future-- doesn't require me to destroy myself trying to reach it.
What Setbacks Can Give Us
Being forced back into bed this September, barely able to move, has forced me to stop running mentally outward and go back inward. And I think that may be part of why these setbacks happen. There is wisdom that needs to come through, lessons that need to be learned, and guidance that we simply cannot hear when we are constantly moving, doing, controlling, planning, and chasing. Sometimes everything has to become quiet enough for us to finally hear it.
I would never wish this journey on my worst enemy, and I would never romanticize this level of suffering. But I do want to bring to light something we don't talk about enough: What if setbacks don't only take from us? What if they can also give us something?
This setback has taken energy, movement, plans, pieces of my independence, and temporarily taken me away from things and people I care about. But it has also forced me to confront where I was leaking myself. It has shown me how much urgency I was carrying, how much of my mind was living somewhere other than today, and how deeply I felt the need to make my suffering productive. It has forced me to stop asking how quickly I can get to the next chapter and instead ask what this chapter is trying to teach me.
Maybe that is part of what the Universe does. It takes away some of the material so that we can uncover the real wisdom underneath it.
And maybe my job right now isn't to do more. Maybe it is to protect my energy, stop mentally running into the future, do the inner work, listen, and surrender what I cannot control. Maybe it is to stop believing that I need to prove something came from this suffering and instead trust that my calling will still be there when I have the capacity to meet it.
I don't have to know when this ends or exactly what my life looks like on the other side. I don't have to turn every ounce of suffering into service, and I don't have to spend every ounce of energy simply because I finally have some. I don't have to prove why I survived.
This journey itself is enough.
And maybe after all these years of asking, “God, when are you going to give me my life back?” I finally understand that there may be a different question to ask:
“God, take away everything within me that keeps me from being at peace with the life I have today.”
One love,
Malissa
