One of the biggest lessons I’m learning in this setback is that I don’t have to use every ounce of energy just because it’s there.

I’ve been in a major wave, one that came on after repeated attempts at exposure therapy and slowly trying to enter the world again. And I’m actually really happy that I started exposing myself to life again. I needed that..

But what I wasn’t considerate of were the gaps I needed in between.

And this wave is unique. It’s one I haven’t experienced before.

Over these years I’ve experienced hundreds of different waves and setbacks on top of my baseline. I know what my symptoms feel like. But this feels different.

The brain fog is different. The neurological pain is different. The cognitive and neurological limitations feel different. I’m losing hair, on top of the hair loss and breakage I’ve already been dealing with since January, months after separating from my ex-partner. I’m having to go to bed at 5 PM. I can barely eat. Some days, even going downstairs to pick up a package from my front desk feels like too much.

And I know those things might sound like symptoms I’ve talked about before.

But this is different.

And I think a huge part of the lesson for me is realizing that I pushed a body that wasn’t ready to be pushed that hard.

Maybe it was ready for some exposure.

But being ready for some exposure doesn’t mean being ready for ALL exposure.

Every time I would crash and then feel even the smallest opening, I would immediately start doing things again. I’d think, Okay, I have some energy. Let me use it.

And I would use all of it.

The universe gives us this beautiful gift of energy, and I truly believe energy is one of our greatest assets as human beings. But here I was abusing mine.

I was doubling down on human rights work, working more, pushing my body, or pouring energy into things I genuinely believed were worthy places to put it.

But something being worthy of my energy doesn’t mean I have the energy to give it.

Especially with akathisia, because resting when your body is literally screaming at you to move is incredibly difficult.

I’m realizing healing isn’t about seeing how much I can do when I finally get a little energy back.

Maybe the lesson is learning not to spend it all.

If my body gives me 20% today, I don’t have to use the entire 20%.

Maybe I use 10% and pocket the rest.

Let my nervous system actually keep something instead of constantly draining the battery back down to zero.

Because just because I have energy doesn’t mean I have to spend it.

And just because my body is ready for a little more life doesn’t mean I have to give it the whole world at once.

Sometimes the greatest investment I can make with my energy is saving some of it for myself.

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One Love,

Malissa